


Sorting Hat

by cptsdcarlosdevil



Category: Descendants (Disney Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Gen, Hogwarts House Sorting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 02:27:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12739149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cptsdcarlosdevil/pseuds/cptsdcarlosdevil
Summary: A bunch of little snippets of the Sorting of various Disney Descendants characters, originally motivated by how annoyed I was that people kept putting Ben in Gryffindor when he's obviously the most Hufflepuff Hufflepuff to ever huff and puff.





	Sorting Hat

_Hufflepuff_ , Ben thought. _Hufflepuff, Hufflepuff._

“Well, this is a bit unusual,” the Hat said. “It’s not often I get a boy from a Gryffindor family desperately hoping for Hufflepuff.”

 _I want Hufflepuff_ , Ben thought clearly and distinctly, in case the Hat wasn’t clear on it the first time.

“Are you sure?” the Hat asked. “Courage, daring… you would do well in Gryffindor. Even your kindness has something of chivalry about it.”

 _Hufflepuff is the house where you help people_ , Ben insisted. _I want to help people_.

“Gryffindors help people,” the Hat said.

 _Only if it brings them glory_ , Ben thought. _I want to help people_ all the time. _I don’t know how yet. Hufflepuff will teach me._  

“Ah well,” the Hat said. “As a wise boy who put me on his head once said, it is our choices which make us who we truly are, much more than our abilities… HUFFLEPUFF.”

\--

“If I had seen those thoughts on anybody else’s head,” the Hat said amicably, “I would have said ‘Ravenclaw’ before I was even fully on.”

 _I can’t be a Ravenclaw_ , Evie thought. Memories of dances and dresses flashed through her head. _I’m just a pretty face_.

“Mm, yes,” the Hat said. “I see your mother hasn’t changed a bit since I Sorted her. But that only makes me more inclined to put you in a House where your talent will be nurtured.”

Evie was desperate. _I’m very manipulative and ambitious and I want a house that will make the most of my gifts_ , she thought. She deliberately recalled several of her memories-- childhood games about marrying into the House of Black, flirting with a Muggle boy so she could take his candy, tricking her tutor into telling her about magical theory-- before deciding that last wouldn’t help her case.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” the Hat said. “You want to be sorted into Slytherin because Ravenclaw is full of Muggleborns and impoverished scholars.”

 _My mom would kill me_.

The Hat sighed. “I suppose that is not an entirely un-Slytherin way of thinking,” it said. “I hope you don’t regret this… SLYTHERIN.” 

\-- 

 _I don’t want to be beaten up_ , Carlos thought.

“Hm,” the Hat said. “Intelligence, no doubt, a good deal of intelligence… a kind heart, as buried as it is by fear… your life has taught you much about cunning, although I can’t say that ‘I don’t want to be assaulted’ is particularly ambitious...” 

 _Look_ , Carlos thought, _I really don’t care about any of that, just put me in the house where I’m least likely to be beaten up_.

For an inanimate object the Hat gave a very good impression of shaking its head. “I can’t convince you of the benefits of networking with fellow Slytherins, or the encouragement to excellence offered by Ravenclaws…?”

_Will those things keep me from being beaten up?_

“Fine,” the Hat said. “Better be… HUFFLEPUFF.”

\--

The Hat was perched lightly on Mal’s head.

“SLYTHERIN.”

\-- 

 _I don’t think we need to spend much time here,_ Jay thought confidently.

“No, we really don’t,” the Hat said. “You’re an obvious Gryffindor.”

 _What?_ Jay thought. _No, I’m not. I’m a Slytherin, just like my father. No team in ‘I’ and all that._

“I expect you’d be surprised by how much you like teamwork if you ever tried it,” the Hat said. “Though I suppose you have-- I see no small amount of loyalty to Mal, to Evie, even to Carlos--" 

 _They’re allies_ , Jay thought. _Slytherins have allies. I’m not loyal to anyone except the Dar-- to anyone,_ Jay thought hastily.

“I can read your mind,” the Hat said, not without humor. “And what about all those times you saved younger children from bullying?” 

Jay shifted uncomfortably. _That was one time. Two times. Five._

“Some of these seem to be Muggles,” the Hat said. “Let’s see here-- bravery, determination, a sense of honor, a desire to protect the weak and helpless, no small amount of nobility... No, I’m really not seeing a case for putting you anywhere other than Gryffindor.”

 _Lots of purebloods have a sense of honor,_ Jay thought defensively.

“Do they,” the Hat said. “GRYFFINDOR.”

\--

“That’s pretty fucked up,” the Hat said.

 _I don’t think you’re supposed to swear_ , Harry thought.

“I choose my language based on the maturity of the child,” the Hat said, “and I don’t think I need to moderate it around you.” 

 _Fair point_.

“The things that were done to you, the things you’ve done,” the Hat said, “even Bellatrix Lestrange was only torturing animals at your age, I-- this is fucked up.”

 _Is this going to affect my Sorting somehow?_ Harry asked. _Am I going to be put into the newly created Seriously Fucked Up House?_  

“No,” the Hat said. “Honestly, I could Sort you as soon as I saw your brain, I just wanted to marvel. SLYTHERIN.”

\--

Chad was unconcerned when he went up to the Sorting Hat. He was the son of two of the most famous Aurors of the Second Wizarding War; he’d never end up anywhere but Gryffindor.

“Slytherin,” the Hat said.

Chad must have heard wrong. _Slytherin is the house for bad people_ , he explained patiently. _Death Eaters and Dark Wizards. My parents are Aurors and heroes of the last war. I’m a Gryffindor._

“Does literally no one listen to the song?” the Hat asked. “The types of children are not Good, Evil, Smart, and Miscellaneous.”

 _Okay, so it’s cunning and ambition_ , Chad thought. _You know, evil things. I’m all about bravery and nobility._

“Point me to one brave thing you have ever done.”

_I’m a child. Don’t you think these standards are a little ridiculous? I haven’t gotten a chance to do anything brave yet._

“You should see some of the heads I’ve seen this year,” the Hat said. “But real Gryffindors don’t get chances to be heroes, they make chances.”

 _This is unfair. I_ deserve _to be a Gryffindor. My parents--_  

“There is a house for people who think their worth comes from the blood that flows in their veins,” the Hat said, “and it’s not Gryffindor, it’s SLYTHERIN.”

\-- 

“You plan to take over the world by becoming an Animagus,” the Hat said, “so you can turn into a giant squid whenever your plans don’t go your way?”

 _Yes_ , Uma thought.

“Gryffindor.”

_Seriously?_

“No one listens to the song,” the Hat said mournfully. “Not all Dark Wizards are Slytherins. If your evil plan involves at any point turning into a giant squid because, hey, maybe it’ll help, you are obviously a GRYFFINDOR.”

\--

 _My mom is a Gryffindor_ , Jane thought, _so I guess I might be a Gryffindor too, but I don’t know, I’m so scared all the time--_

“Being scared doesn’t mean you’re not a Gryffindor,” the Hat said kindly. “Some of the greatest Gryffindors have been the most afraid. They just did the right thing anyway.”

_See, um, I don’t do that._

“You could, if you had the strength, and I think Gryffindor would help you with that,” the Hat said. “Yet… you don’t have to be part of a House because your parents were part of it. And I think you could stand to move a little bit out of your mother’s shadow. What do you like, Jane?”

The answer was obvious. _Books._  

“In that case-- RAVENCLAW.”

\--

“Swords,” the Hat said.

 _Swords_ , Lonnie agreed. 

“GRYFFINDOR.”


End file.
